Ever have a bad break up or experience in THAT field? – I know it can be quite hard to determine or label what exactly "these relationships” are these days. I honestly believe depending on the circumstance and person (they might be a hard lesson where trying to reconcile anything is pointless - a recent realisation) It doesn't always have to be bitter, aren't we all human here? Again, I know we like to debate this sometimes late at night in bed. Now I am no expert when it comes to relationships. I have had one long term (long term in regards to this generation, it was in fact only 3 years) and others, well I am not really sure what you would call those but it was definitely something whether it was acknowledged or not. If I have slightly let you in, yes this mean there was something. I know this can be a game to some, but humans are not built like Nintendo. We come with emotions and in turn, a bit more complex.
I have blogged many times on the value of connection and relationships with humans is something I value greatly. I have gotten used to wearing my heart on my sleeve and saying it how it is. The lesson wasn’t that this was wrong, the lesson was to own it and own it well.
In saying this, besides my last Tinder “fail” or perhaps the best lesson I have ever learnt lately) trust yourself, listen to your gut and many lessons from this) but yet, my biggest advancement I have had in life since, because of this situation (what a Babe). I have remained friends with my Ex’s and general longer term hook ups – not weird right? I do use the word "Ex" but not sure it is my favourite take on it. It really seems so meaningless for something that once may of been of great value, however lets keep with the times and use this term.
I have always been told by most of my encounters, I am “not like other girls” thoughWe all still continue to wish each other Happy Birthday most years – including one Hungarian guy I was sorta/kinda/maybe with whilst working in New York, we used to send Birthday Cards.. This is just me and depending on the person, this is possible and for the record as it sounds like there are a few, it is only 3. The Dad to Mabel happens to be one incredible person. Besides the moments where you do bitch to friends about the things they did and the way they made us feel (which I feel once you are at the level this is much needed) I am so lucky to have met him and to have Mabel with him. We will always have our discrepancies – we are co raising a child together and well, mostly we are chalk and cheese but come together on a human level. He is 10 years older than me and still the person I could call at 3am in the morning to come get me if needed – regardless of the situation. He has seen so much of me and doesn’t care.. like come on, he was there the whole Labour and it wasn't an easy on. Not many people can go through a whole family break up and still have this.
I also had my ‘first’ contact me last night and I guess this is where this has stemmed from (not sexual first, but that first feeling). I met this guy when I was 18 living on campus in UQ. This boy was the first boy to ever pay me attention and tell me I was pretty (what every girl wants to hear at 18), also the one to give me my first orgasm – no wonder right? Having very low self-esteem in my tweens and early 20s it wasn’t quick till I was absolutely hooked on this. Firstly, let me put this straight.. We were NEVER in a relationship but it was one of those on and off 7 year sex things (being where I am now, I literally have to say out loud to myself ‘what the fuck?!’ why would I do that to myself for so long, however learnt a lot and forever doing so) we only attract what we think we are worthy of at the time (apparently, I am still experimenting with this notion.. I'm not sure how it works) however it wasn’t the guy, it was the dynamic. I learnt a lot from this guy too. It was obvious I was hooked and a few years later he and my best friend got together and started dating, this was the first time I ever experienced heartbreak from both the boy and my best friend (not Bec). Typical me though, decided to still be friends with them both anyway – standard Lexi! Great people actually.
So back in 2013/4 where I really started to redirect life, I was living in Sydney, found my Yoga path and came back to Brisbane, obviously still doing my Eccentric thing and always will regardless of opinions, and just because I am dedicated to my Yoga practice and path doesn’t mean I fit into that stereotypical mold, we are here to be individuals and do our thing – it wouldn't be real if I did. I cut this person after completely, you know in the way we do these days, delete off social media which if that isn’t a sign of the times and relationships of any kind ending I don’t know what is.
I am a firm believer we need to remove ourselves for a while from everything to truly figure ourselves out. During this time my best friend and I also didn’t talk whilst I really worked on the recovery things or, as I prefer, redirection. For a new life and new person to occur, we must be dedicated to this decision and prepare to lose everything we have gripped to before. I couldn’t have been more ready to take this leap at this time, in fact the higher the cliff the better at this point and life always finds a way back if it is meant to be.
After a lot of hard work, I did change. The person I am now resembles nothing of the girl who of low self-esteem, Anorexia, exercise addiction and just had a hard time fitting in. Turns out that was it. I was trying to fit in and that what was the problem. We are not designed to do that.
So this boy, the only ‘Ex’ again using that as a reference as no bloody idea why all I this is so complicated these days. Found me on Instagram and sent a message saying it was nice to see things were going well and hoping everything continues to go well. I normally can provide words to express how touching things are but he got me stumped there. There is so much value in this and it only takes a reflection of a couple of minutes – if you are a fast typer, 30 seconds max! But just to keep with the times.. I have written this whole blog and left him on read – Damn our entitled generation! I will get back to him after this, wouldn’t want to contradict myself.
My lesson of 2017 has been humanity and this has really just topped it. Again as you know, I tend to grumble time to time on my blog about not being a people person yet attract the most amazing people and opportunities these days and life has not been random, it all has added up to the bigger picture. When Bec died I had my whole entire Facebook friend list private message and strangers on Instagram – Social Media at its higher purpose to connect, yet at the time was wondering why this ONE Tinder guy was such a wanker when I had well over 100 people display their deepest thoughts in regards to all. That is just life though, it is choosing to see which way we look at things and it was a simple change of perspective to move this. Humanity and the power through kindness, here in its finest in 2017.
Lexi x – Song “End Game” Taylor Swift.